Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
