Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Small penises have feelings too.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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