4 words: hood of his car
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
