you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
