Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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