I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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