tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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