I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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