I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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