theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
And then he peed in my hair
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