paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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