corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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