I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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