I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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