I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize