I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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