you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
