Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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