i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
