This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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