He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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