tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
