This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
