Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
