There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
