I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
