I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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