I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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