OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
