You just made me feel so damn special
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
