so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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