This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
