Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
