maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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