Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
