I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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