Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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