A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
