I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
