I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
