I'm lost and stupid without you.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
