She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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