Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
try to milk me bitch
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