I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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