You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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