wakey wakey hands off snakey
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
