come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
