I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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