final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
