so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
