So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize