three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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