I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize