don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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