I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
