How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
