He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We need to feng shui this bitch.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
