I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
