It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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