Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
