So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
