let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
