If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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