I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
