No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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