i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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