then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
