i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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