As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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