why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
