She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
